Playing Catch-up

So I'm playing catch-up in a lot of areas of my life right now. I'm currently nearing the end of a much needed spring-break from school. We spent most of our week with Darci's family in North Carolina where I ate way too much gravy and spent just enough time in the sun for my newly buzzed head to get burnt and start to peel. I couldn't have asked for a better week.

Two weeks ago I went home to Ohio to partake in my college roommate's wedding. I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen or talked to in years and I got to spend some quality time with some of the most inspiring people in my life. And, BONUS, I came home with a new sword-cane and a large tin of the most amazing tea in the history of the world.

All these wonderful weekends in a row have made it extra hard to think about actually going back to school. Something I've been struggling with a little lately. I see so many people around me and so many potential opportunities continue to pass me by that I've started to wonder if I should jump back into "civilization". This whole struggle was made a little more difficult this weekend when I found out my closest friend and support within the program is not coming back to school. So, I guess that's where I'm at right now.

And to top everything off, I was grilling this afternoon and managed to singe a third of my eyelashes off. Don't ask.

Confession is good for the soul

Hello, my name is Johnny and I am addicted to Honey Nut Cheerios.

Sometimes I get really scared when my wife makes me watch those ghost hunting shows on tv.

I get really depressed when the topic of politics comes up.

I get tense around trains.

I am addicted to buying books.

I haven't read all the books I own.

I haven't watched all the movies I own.

I have recommended books and movies that I've never read or watched.

Sometimes I go to the grocery store just for the free samples and never buy anything.

I have purposely tried to piss off other drivers.

I screen all my calls.

I have spent way too much time thinking about what super-power I would choose should I be granted one.

Nothing annoys me more than "small talk".

Except being patronized.

I sing to myself in places other than the shower.

I would rather make something on the grill myself than eat at a fancy restaraunt.

Sometimes boxers and sometimes briefs but never boxer-briefs.

If I haven't met you at least five times, I probably don't remember your name.

I am afraid being redundant.

I am addicted to Honey Nut Cheerios.

Rainy day rock-n-roll even when the Sun's out

I've been plagued lately with those questions that seem to hunt you down as life gets on and starts to have its way with you. What exactly have I done? What exactly am I doing? How have I made a difference? How am I making the world a better place? and What have I done or created that will last beyond my own years? Essentially, What is my legacy?

They are hard questions to deal with as an artist, when your craft is so immediate, when your craft disappears the second it is birthed and can never be recreated, even by you.

I'm not sure. I don't know. I can't pretend to.

I'm kind of tired of having days of reflection and thought because lately they just turn into days of melancholy and fear.

That's just where I'm at. That's just what I'm facing. That's just what I'm trying to figure out.

AnOThER ONe

So I've started an additional blog for the year. I plan on continuing this blog as often as I am here, but in addition I'll be adding "REFLECTIONS" which will be a page of my year in self portraits. I've put a link on this page so you can check it out. Have as much fun as I did.

More Than Words

Words I like:
Smile, discombobulate, booty, savant, articulate, specificity, collaborate, extrapolate, individualize, streamline, home, lost, forest, seductive

Words I dislike:
Disappoint, discharge, owe, racist, malignant, nub, cute, milky, govern, judge, terminate, tutor, now, never

Words that are overused:
Awesome, like, love, passion, brilliant, genius, gentrification, maybe, whatever, extreme, some, spiritual

Words that aren’t used enough:
Thanks, hi, no

Daring Greatly

Not merely to be an artist but to live daring greatly.
To have faith in something and constantly try to prove its fallicies. To stake your reputation on a risk that nobody else sees. To dare greatness in something trivial. To risk insignificance for a moment of laughter. To stare irrelevance in the face because noone else will. To fail for the sake of failing. To walk when everyone else is running. To laugh and cry in the same breath.
To devote your life to something that is constantly misunderstood and to not apologize for it.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat".

Theodore Roosevelt
"The Man In The Arena" Speech at the Sorbonne Paris, France April 23, 1910

Naked Freefalls and Toys

This week was a tough one. Not only was I fighting a respiratory/sinus infection along with 25% of the State College population, I also felt like I was taking large strides backward in my work. They warned us in the beginning of the program about the “sixth week funk” and I guess I fell prey. I was getting discouraged early on in the week but by Friday I realized that I had probably learned more this week than any other week so far.
One of the things we talk about everyday in acting class is working off impulses on stage. Listening to your partner, being open and available to react, and taking everything personally is the formula for “Living Truthfully Under Imaginary Circumstances”. One of my Ah-hah! moments this week was realizing that what I thought were my impulses were actually nothing more than “ideas”. But impulse lies much deeper, beyond reason, beyond thought, and beyond any need to make sense or be interesting or understood or liked. It takes an enormous amount of trust and courage. It’s like jumping out of a plane not knowing how high you are or where you’re supposed to land, and realizing mid fall that not only did you forget your parachute but that you’re also completely naked. And then you land perfectly, or not, and discover that the reason you jumped in the first place was for the fall and not the landing. It’s terrifying, it’s revealing, it’s fast, and sometimes it’s cold.

I believe being an artist is a dangerously high calling.
Filled with responsibility and misunderstanding.

But an artist endures. As does his craft. Because they have to.
Just as impulse stirs beneath reason and ration, so does the need to create and find expression stir beneath consumption and recognition.
The danger, however, is taking yourself too seriously. I was reminded of this as I was putting some things away in my locker on Friday. First of all I’m a Graduate student with a locker. I haven’t had a locker since high school. Secondly I have no books in my locker. Instead I have mouthwash, a couple 3 feet long wooden sticks, rubber cement, twine, a model airplane, two tennis rackets, drawing supplies, a pair of crayola safety scissors, and a giant stuffed koala.
So, here’s to another week of naked freefalls and lockers filled with toys.